Friday, December 10, 2010


I've come up with the most brilliant marketing campaign ever for dogfood. Granted, this idea was generated out of a 2 pitcher, 1 shot stupor, and me conversing with my dog via my questions and her barks. (We so GET each other)

So my dog, who is gender confused only because my husband and kids insisted on calling her 'Hoover' (after the vacuum cleaner), and now everyone refers to her as 'him'. Poor dog. So my dog, greets me with much barkiness after my 2 pitcher- 1 shot night at the local Mexican resturant (Mi Burrito - go there), she is declaring that she is "absolutely by-gawd starving and she needs to eat SOMETHING now!" (she tells me this by appropriate barkiness, and looking at the counter where she last smelled bacon- she is convinced that I'm holding out on her) to the appropriate questions. Keep in mind, that she has a nearly full bowl of dog food.

She barks, she goes and looks at the counter, sits down and tells me with sassy barkiness that "You stupid bitch, I'm starving here, and I don't want to eat another freakin' bowl of plain tired-ass dog food. I need flavor, I need adventure, I need spice!" I can't say as I blame her. I'd get tired of the same thing everyday, even if it was lobster, crablegs and cheesecake.

So, I open the icebox, (fridge for those not Southern), ask if she'd like chili, turkey fat or turkey n'dumplins'. It was a clear winner. Turkey n'dumplins. So I spoon out a couple big spoonfuls, warm it up in the radar range, mix it up, set it down in front of her. and she IS GRATEFUL! I don't mean, grateful with a 'hey, this is good, thanks so much for the kibble and gravy.' But, more like, "OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG! It was a doggygasm.

So afterwards the bacchus fest, I head upstairs and somewhere 5th stairstep, it hits me. "Regional dogfood!"

Face it, everyone feeds their dog table scraps, we deny it to the vet (even when we express amazement over the fact that our pet is 15 lbs. overweight - Hoover isn't but, I've heard) but we all do it. So, here is the HUGE idea... REGIONAL FLAVOR DOG FOOD!

The Nutrish "Chicken, Lamb and Rice flavor" -LAME, BORING. "Beef, Barley & Peas" Boring! It makes, "Ass flavor" sound exciting.

So what if dog food companies made Regional favorites? Table scraps in Boston aren't going to taste the same as table scraps in Seattle or San Diego. Frankly, if in my next life, I'm reborn as a dog, Please, God, let it be in New Orleans! You can't tell me that dogs don't have tastebuds.

So here is my list of Regional dog food samplers:

Southern Cuisine
Chicken n' Dumplins'
Sunday after church Pot Roast
Fried Chicken
Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
Biscuits and Gravy flavor (hell, I'd eat that!)
or EVERYONE'S Foodgasm- 
BBQ Pork Ribs - Hell Yeah!

Deep South
Red Beans n' Rice
Etoufee (any kind)
Turnip Greens & Hamhocks

National Favorites
Peanut Butter and jelly on white bread
Steak and Eggs
Scrambled eggs flavor
Honey-baked ham with mashed potatoes
Homemade bread (preferably warm with butter and honey)
As for the rest of the country... I have no idea what you people eat.

However, there are flavors that I can't imagine owners would want their dogs to enjoy regardless of where they're from.
Chili with extra beans (trust me on this)
Ass flavor - while dogs find theirs and others quite delectable anyone that owns a dog knows there is a reason why you don't let your dog lick you in the face.
Cat poo - while the dogs find it delish- when the smell is being licked onto your face, not so much.
If you can't hold it down, waller in it flavor.

So there you go.  I'm so marketing this. It'll make me a million dollars.  Now, just to get my vet's seal of approval on it.